A STORY ABOUT RELATIONSHIP AND LOVING YOURSELF FIRST

                                                                               Chinese proverb

Once upon a time, a man was walking by the sea in a little town called Bliss. As he was walking a beautiful hummingbird flew by and paused in the air for a moment in front of him.

  The hummingbird was called Gaia by all her knew of her healing powers. The hummingbird said to the man, my, what a beautiful face you have. The man told the hummingbird that from the moment he first laid eyes on her, he knew she would be his.

 The Man promised the hummingbird that if she would let him place a silver string around her neck, and  keep her close to him in his heart, that he would love her, protect her from the wind and storms and feed her bountiful sweet syrup, loving her like no one had ever loved her before.

 The hummingbird, smitten by the man’s charm and handsome face, agreed, although she knew better. She stayed by the man’s side and when he left her to travel, he tied her little silver string to the tree and asked her to wait for him to return. There she waited, weeks would go by, but the little hummingbird had grown to love the man, so alas….she waited patiently, tied to the tree.

Her little wings grew weak from lack of flight, her little beak longed for the sweet syrup and waters of passion that the man had promised to lead her to. But alas…..the man had not yet returned from his travels…..

 One day the man came home. He did not sweep the little bird up into his arms as he had in the past, but rather…spoke of the little yellow canary that he had loved in the past. The little canary had run away, gotten lost; had bitten him numerous times, but he had always loved her and chased after the canary and tried to keep her by his side. Finally he realized he could not love the canary any longer…that he had to release her and find his own way in life. He untied the hummingbird and told the little bird his sad tale of woe about himself and the past 28 years with the canary. The hummingbird cared and was understanding at first…..yet her presence seemed to fade in his eyes, as every time they were together…he only spoke of the little yellow canary.

 The hummingbird’s heart broke a thousand times over every time the man came to her. Although he would pet her and feed her, the conversation always went back to his pain over the little canary. The man said that if the little hummingbird loved him, she would want to listen to all that he had to say, that she would want to hear him speak his truth about everything in life. The hummingbird knew better. Ultimate truths should often never be spoken. All creatures have hearts and feelings, words can cut like a knife and destroy the good and the love.  Life is short….if you love someone, tell them so, and tell them everyday and every chance you get. The gift of loving someone heals, renews, inspires and empowers us to do great things, makes us feel safe brings us closer to God…..this is the only kind of love that the little hummingbird knew……not the words but the actions of love………………

Dr. Arlene G. Krieger is a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist with a private practice in Boca Raton Florida. She is currently working on her latest book, The New Orgasm due out this fall. She can be reached at www.Bocatherapy.com

Posted by: admin in www.bocatherapy.com, women and dating, West Palm Beach sex therapist, Palm beach sex therapist, men and dating, finding the right woman, finding the right guy, dating and internet dating, boca raton sex therapist on May 26, 2009  

 Some men are just oblivious and others simply seem to  just get it and understand  what we women are all about!  It is a well known fact that the sexes are altogether different creatures.  So hold on to your Iphone and take careful notes here guys!

 Women in general like acknowledgment and loving affection, a person withwhom they can connect, relate to and most important of all, a person they can trust. We also need our men to be able to “Communicate.” Yes I know, that is such a tricky term of art for men to grasp, so I’ll make it simple and break it down for you guys.

Women want to be able to discuss their life, their dreams, their hopes and fears. For every secret they tell you, they want you to tell them four more. Hopefully by the time you’ve dated for at least a month, women want to be able to feel the “we” of the relationship, which means that you would be using what I call “future talk” with one another.

This includes talk on the man’s part of wanting to include the woman in his life to some capacity, i.e. introducing her to his friends, remembering specifics of her career, being spontaneous, wanting to surprise and please her, talk of future plans together for the holidays, summer vacations, in other words, letting your woman know that you can actually see a possible future for the two of  you somewhere down the road! ( Im not talking about running off  to get married at the the Elvis Chapel on the 5th date)

 Although women can seem mysterious, they will show you what it feels like to be truly loved, as long as you’re willing and able to accept the responsibility of a true and loving relationship.  It is up to you, the man to show them  that you and your feelings for her are real, and mean it! Your words must always be your honor. No excuses or sad stories for why you forget to call them on Saturday nights or are too tied up with your own life demands to find the time to pursue them  ( no matter how hard it may be for you at times) with the desire of a man in love!

 Compassion and understanding are also big on the list of Do’s. Women like a man that is compassionate and understanding, someone who shows that he genuinely cares. It is important for a woman in this 21st century to be able to speak her mind without being considered to be “trouble” or a “princess”….respect for your woman’s thoughts and opinions matter. Recognize her intelligence and strong points.

 Even if you don’t agree with her, find good points from both perspectives and learn to communicate. It is of utmost import for her to know that she is seen as a total and whole person in your eyes. Never cut her down or tell her she would be so much more beautiful ( or look 10 years younger)  if only she would ; i.e. get her breasts enlarged or go blond! Find something unique her that no one has ever told her about before, and mean it. Women will see right through anything that is not authentic.

Hope these few tips for getting the girl that you deserve have helped! Just remember, you’ve gotta be the guy that she deserves and no less!!!!!

____________________________ 

 Dr. Arlene G. Krieger is  Clinical Sexologist with a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. She is currently working on her new book, The Simple Sex Guide, due out this coming Fall.

It is reported that ”You’re now more likely to find your true love on the internet than at work or at a party, in the US at least – especially if you’re over 45.”

That comment was made in an article about an online survey of over 10,000  people  aged between 20 and 54 who got married in the USA between 1 April 2006 and 31 March 2007, conducted by Harris Interactive for  an online matchmaking service which claims to use scientific methods to work out compatibility.

The survey was of course meant to highlight how many couples who got married met via eHarmony, but the New Scientist article mentions more generally statistics (presumably based on the full report, which hasn’t been made available publicly) showing that, of the couples surveyed:

• 19% met online (compared with 14 % in a previous similar survey of marriages between 2004 and 2005)
• 17% met at work (down from 20%)
• 17% met through friends (unchanged).

31% of the married couples aged 45 – 54 met online, compared with 18% of 20 – 44-year-olds who did, suggesting (which I think makes sense) that younger people have more ways than older people to meet potential partners, e.g. through college.

But still, that’s a decent percentage of couples of any age marrying who met online. So though there’s absolutely no shame in being on dating sites or looking for relationships online. 

Now, to the issues of  absolute importance that you all need to understand as to the RULES FOR INTERNET DATING, which include how to navigate through the rough waters and know how to “date safely”. Yes, thats correct, there are dangers to the internet dating scene that you must be aware of.

The Cons of Internet Dating:

When discussed among peers there are manyof not knowing who you are really meeting that concern women and men in this social arena. Meeting the person out of context, meaning not in their “normal” social setting (such as a person you work with) persons being able to hide behind the screen of the internet, persons re-creating their identity, placing false pictures online, or at worst, the person you’re meeting is simply off the wall as far as basic social norms (i.e. being insulted, racist remarks, rude and aggresive or undermining verbal abuse), which can put you at risk of harm without knowing the basics of being safe on an internet date.

The Rules:

1. Meet at a local public meeting place

2. Never, be picked up for a first Internet date at your home, or get into his/her car.

3. Ask some basic questions of your date pertaining to their history, where they used to live, i.e city, job history, family, etc.

4. Listen for language that appears to come from left field, if you feel, insulted, degraded or that urge to leave, do so!!! Always pay attention to your gut instinct!

These are the four basic rules of being safe in Internet dating! Don’t be foolish and simply assume that the guy/girl is OK based on a few phone conversations that you may have had.

The Pros of Internet Dating:

Yes, its true that Internet dating can be a candy store for both men and women.  For many, once you’ve placed your personal profile on most any of the available Internet dating sites, the emails start rolling in, sometimes in the hundreds! This is often overwhelming for many, and hard to choose wisely when flooded with so many requests to meet. However, meet they do.

For most interviewed, it is reported that for the most part, the dates end up to be duds. Either there is no chemistry or something else seems to be amiss. On the pro side however, many have met and married from meet and greets initiated on the internet dating sites. As I’ve always said, dating is not for the faint of heart. In order to meet or find that one special person, you may indeed have to kiss a lot of frogs/ (frog princes or princesses)! The mere numbers provide for abundant opportunities to meet your mate! Just remember, date safely and enjoy!

Dr. Arlene Krieger is in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida @ www.Bocatherapy.com ,  and specializes in Sexuality and Intimacy issues as a Ph.D. Clinical Sexologist. She is currently working on the book, The Simple Sex Guide, due out this fall.

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During a press conference the other day, President Obama stated, “We are going through the worst economic crisis since the ‘Great Depression’. Whether one recognizes the President’s remarks as truth or not, one can’t help but realize that many in our nation’s population are experiencing financial hardship along with great levels of stress. This is a high stakes game that most are trying to find their way out of without any solutions in sight.

Countless couples are coming in my doors now depressed, with many on the verge of divorce. It is disheartening at best to see the pain and angst they are suffering. Ultimately by the time they make the final decision to come in for therapy, there is often much unresolved anger.  The anger has by now manifested in lack of trust, no desire to care about or show empathy for their partner and an overall sense of hopelessness.

I explain to the couple the options available in therapy and the therapeutic modality in which I will be working with them. If the couple is still engaged in their relationship and appears to be willing to work on staying together, then I will utilize every option available to help them find their way back to one another.

Whether or not the couple is deemed to be still, “In Love”, is a blanketed notion that cannot determine the chances of the relationships survival at the onset of therapy. Love is not an adjective, it is a decision that two people make together to invest in their lives as one loving unit. In other words, as team players, “you and me babe” against the world.

I often tell my patients that they must do the work in therapy; I don’t “fix them.” They must work together with the therapist to help themselves also. It is not easy work for the couples and it can get intense, however it is worth the effort. I often tell my patients that it is worth the last ditch efforts to explore saving their relationship, so that they never have any regrets as to whether or not they did the right thing.

Many say that they can’t afford therapy nowadays. Most Psychological services offices will work with you during these hard economic times and provide either sliding scales or individual financial options for the patients. Please take the time to explore the therapy options available in your city. If you don’t call, they can’t help you.

Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

www.Bocatherapy.com

Boca Raton, Florida

Litany

You are the bread and the knife,The crystal goblet and the wine…-Jacques Crickillon

 You are the bread and the knife,the crystal goblet and the wine.You are the dew on the morning grassand the burning wheel of the sun.You are the white apron of the baker,and the marsh birds suddenly in flight. However, you are not the wind in the orchard,the plums on the counter,or the house of cards. And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

 It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,maybe even the pigeon on the general’s head,but you are not even closeto being the field of cornflowers at dusk. And a quick look in the mirror will showthat you are neither the boots in the cornernor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,that I am the sound of rain on the roof. I also happen to be the shooting star,the evening paper blowing down an alleyand the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

 I am also the moon in the treesand the blind woman’s tea cup.But don’t worry, I’m not the bread and the knife.You are still the bread and the knife.You will always be the bread and the knife,not to mention the crystal goblet and–somehow–the wine.

Personal note: Thank you Donn for the beautiful poem on this Valentines Day.

To even imagine that we as human beings can “intellectualize” issues at work and problems at home… and move on as though nothing is happening, is unrealistic at best. As stated best in a recent Desperate Housewives episode; by the character Carlos in response to Gabriele’s request, “I just wanted to have a normal life!” Carlos says,” Well, guess what sweetie? Dad’s unhappy at work; mom’s home with the screaming kids. You got one.” That pretty much sums it up!

Our emotional problems affect our physical well being. These two systems of emotionality and physicality do not operate independent of one another. It is a biological impossibility.

Although many traditional medicine practitioners have not previously focused on the mind/body connection, we as educated consumers are now demanding this dual integrative approach from our medical and alternative care practitioners and doctors.

When a patient whether male or female comes into my office with issues of low libido or more commonly stated as “No Sex Drive”, I first will want to ‘rule out’ any other physiological or biological reasons that could be affecting their libido.

As a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist,  I work collaboratively with a team of professionals, i.e. urologists, anti-aging medicine doctors, and other alternative care practitioners, to meet each individual patient’s needs.

Just as women can have an imbalance in hormones, so do men. Women lose hormones (90 percent over a two-year period) and are quite aware of their symptoms; because of this they usually do something about it immediately. For men, it takes 10-12 years to completely bottom out. Because this transition is so gradual they usually attribute these symptoms to aging. Many men and women have not realized that aging is simply declining hormones.

According to experts, in the BHRT (Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy) field state that this decline can be slowed down and in some cases reversed with hormone therapy.

If you are seeking a sex therapist in your area to address these issues with, please make sure that they are licensed as a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist. Many find that their quality of life relationship and sex life are greatly improved, once these medical/psychotherapeutic issues are addressed.

Don’t let your life pass you by. If you are confused and frustrated with the issues discussed here, make it a priority to seek out a qualified doctor as suggested above. You CAN  find the answers to your questions and enjoy a fullfilling and satisfying sex life with your partner!

Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

www.bocatherapy.com                                      

Let’s start with internet dating. This process certainly begins with expectations. I was talking to a male friend of mine the other evening and he had a particularly “on the mark view” of how this dating drill needs to go. From this perceptive male’s point of view, too many people begin the process with expectations that lead them down the slippery hill into dating hell. He believes that if you spend more time than two phone conversations before you actually meet, that you then fall into the “jaws of the false expectations pit” by building up in your mind a fantasy person. Although internet photos are exchanged and some of your deepest, darkest secrets are exposed to one another, you still have no clue who you are really dealing with until you meet face to face. My male friend’s answer to this “false expectation” dilemma is that one must absolutely meet if not for anything more than a cup of coffee and a half hour of each others time by the end of the second phone conversation.

Another dilemma that has been reported by both men and women is of long distance relationships, where one or both partners travel to see each other. In reporting a recent experience by a female friend of mine, she states that: a man flew in from Timbuktu, Alaska (all names and places are changed to protect identities) for a twenty four hour period to meet her. By the end of the evening, to her dismay, she realized that this man’s “expectations” were that of a roll in the hay with sprinkles on top. To his dismay, no exotic holiday cupcakes on the menu that evening. The evening will go down in history as one of her most distasteful dating experiences ever. What were the red flags for dating disaster here? In this case, both parties’ expectations failed. She was expecting a well-educated gentleman; he was expecting a POA (piece of ass).

So the lessons of  love and internet dating, blind dating, or hooking up during the holidays is to put it out there “who you really are, what you want, and where you’re willing to go in the entire dating process.”  As long as you know that you have truthfully posted recent (within the last 6 months)  photos, i.e via webcam, text message, or snail mail… (both parties please…), are within a few years of your actual age posted online, c’mon most everyone fibs by a few years ….and don’t have a current or ex-lover in the trunk of your car or in the closet at home you should find yourself on a fair playing field of the dating process.   Take the time to read and see the road signs  ahead, and you should be able to enjoy this wonderful season with a date or two that won’t end up in the Guinness Book of Records for worst holiday date ever.